How Could They?!
by Ashlee
Summary: Hurricane Helms uncovers some of the secrets of the Federation stars.
1. Naughty RVD!

Disclaimer: Mmkay, these characters - I do not own them. (Unfortunately in the case of Hurricane, CJ, Edge & Rhyno. ;) These events have never taken place, either, but if they ever did.. hahaha.. well.. I would be very amused to say the least. Oh! And uh.. heh.. *smirks and waves* Hey Jen! You definitely deserve some due credit for the, uh.. Rob part. ;) *LOL* You spaz!  
  
  
  
"Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through!"  
  
The resident super hero of the World Wrestling Federation, Hurricane Helms, makes his way swiftly towards the ring. He was on a mission and this particular one might be the most serious one he's ever had to accomplish.  
  
"Ladies, gentlemen and children. I come to you tonight with a very serious issue to address to you all," Helms states, looking around at the audience in attendance. They all cheer, not only because the Hurricane was a big favorite in his home state of North Carolina, where he currently was, but also because anything he deemed serious in the past, was hilarious to them.  
  
"You see, the Hurricane has discovered not *one* evil villain, but rather several of them. What dastardly deed have these individuals done, you ask? They have all lied to you! All of you innocent citizens have been betrayed!" A collective gasp is heard throughout the stands.  
  
"My suspicions about these fellows was confirmed with highly disturbing video footage I have. Now," he takes a dramatic pause before continuing. "Right now I'm going to show you the first of four videos. I'm doing it this way because, the footage on these tapes is so disturbing, watching them consecutively may cause serious mental harm."  
  
He turns to face the Titan Tron now, a deteremined look in his eyes. "Without further ado, I present to you the first in a serious of awful, vile villains... Rob Van Dam!" Hurricane motions with his hand at the Tron as the stadium goes black and a video starts.  
  
On the screen, the Michigan Native is shown in his locker room. He has on his wrestling attire and is standing in front of a mirror, facing sideways with a frown on his face. He was clearly upset about something, but what could it be?  
  
"I know I've gotta stop doing those crazy moves," he declares to himself it seems. However, as he turns a little to the side, it's obvious he's on the phone. He checks his reflection out while nodding his head. He stops when the person on the other end of the phone says something that must be important.  
  
"Listen, doc, I *know* that. You think I want to be in the middle of a match and all of a sudden the bottom of my shorts are wet because they're leaking? Of course not! That would be so embarrassing, and so.. not cool. I can't do anything uncool, because after all, I'm R-V-D." Rob attempts to do his patented thumb-pointing but can't due to the phone in his hand. He shrugs his shoulders instead.  
  
"Uh-huh. Yes. I understand. I'll calm down a bit. Yes, I know that. I know that, *too*. Jeez, do you think I'm an idiot or something?" Rob pauses, his frown deepening. He goes back to looking at his reflection in the mirror. It was obvious he was getting very frustrated with whomever he was talking to.  
  
"For the *last* time, I know! Do you think I'm actually concerned how the price of ass implants is going up? Puh-lease! I'm rolling in the dough, doc. I've got nothing to worry about in case they do leak except a bruised ego if anyone were to find out. Do you realize that my ass has a cult following? Yep, it's true. You should see all the signs these girls bring to the shows, talking about my ass, exclaiming their love for it. Why, there's even a web site about it on the internet! Now, I don't want to disappoint all of my fans, because, well, they think it's all natural. They don't have any clue that before I discovered such implants, my rear end was as flat as a board." Rob listens for another minute as the other person talks. "Don't worry. I'll check 'em out after every show." He laughs, then, "I do that now anyway. Okay. I'll check in with you later. 'Bye Doctor Campbell."  
  
The video footage stops there and the lights in the arena come back on. While the Hurricane's expression is as serious as ever, every single member in the audience is in an uproar of laughter.  
  
"Did I not tell you that was going to be disturbing? That's not the worst of it though, for some worse lies are yet to come. Keep your eyes open, everyone, for I will be back!" Helms' music starts up again and he promptly exits the ring. Tonight was going to be a very long night for him and he needed some rest.  
  
As he nears his locker room, Hurricane hears his name being shouted. With a tight-lipped smirk, he realized it could only be on person... Rob.  
  
"Dude, Hurricane! I definitely need to have a word with you!" he exclaims, getting closer. Helms turns around to face the other man, a look of disappoint on his face.  
  
"What service can I be for you, evil villain Van Dam?"  
  
"Okay, listen, man, why'd you show that footage? You just ruined me! I'll never live it down. *Never* ever," Rob complains, not acting at all like his usual laid-back self, but rather like a three-year old throwing a temper tantrum.  
  
The Hurricane can do nothing but shake his head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Van Dam but there's nothing I can do about it now. If you wouldn't have lied in the first place to all of your fans, then you wouldn't be in this predicament."  
  
"But, but.. He-elms.." It seemed as if Rob was actually on the verge of tears.  
  
"Once again, I am sorry Rob. You're the only one here to blame for this. You had to find out the hard way when you lie to ones that care so much about you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go. A super hero's work - especially *this* super hero - is never done!" Before Rob van get another word in edgewise, Hurricane jumps away with a "whoosh" sound. 


	2. Oh my, Edge!

"Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through!"  
  
The audience cheers louder this time, as the Hurricane makes his way out to the ring for the second time that night. It was twenty minutes later, and just as he promised, Helms was back. The audience waited in anticipation to see what secret he would unveil next.  
  
"Hello once again everyone," he greets, seriousness in his voice once again. "As I was heading back to my locker room earlier, Rob Van Dam stopped me. He was visibly upset at what I had exposed, but he shouldn't be so upset after the night is over. After all is said and done, he'll seem like a *saint* compared to the others. Which brings me to the next villain you must all know of. This one gentlemen goes by the name of Edge and what you are going to see will most definitely shock you!" He motions to the Titan Tron and almost immediately, the arena lights go off and a video starts.  
  
The Canadian is shown sitting in his locker room with Christian. Edge was leaned over, his hand over his mouth. Christian's hand was on his shoulder, his face showing deep concern.  
  
"Dude, Edge, are you gonna be okay?"  
  
"I-I should be," Edge answers, his voice muffled due to his hand obstructing it.  
  
That answer doesn't satisfy Christian. "They're not broken, are they? If they are, I'll replace them. I swear," he promises.  
  
"No, don't worry about it," Edge protests, pushing Christian away slightly.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Edge nods. "All I need is a little glue and everything will be fine."  
  
Christian sighs. "Okay, great. I know I was the reason for your last busted pair of teeth, so when I thought I just broke them now..."  
  
Edge laughs, removing his hand from in front of his mouth. In his hand are a pair of teeth. False teeth. *Edge's* false teeth!  
  
"You've got nothing to worry about" is what Edge says, but it comes out sounding like, "You'fe got nofing to worry about".  
  
The taller blond goes on to say, "I've had worse accidents with these babies. None too bad that the others have realized they're fake, but enough to make me worry."  
  
Christian laughs and shakes his head. "How come you never told anyone that your teeth are fake, anyway?"  
  
Edge takes a little bottle from his pocket and opens it. He pours a clear substance onto the top part of the false teeth and places them into his mouth. He does the same with the bottom pair and then bites down. Finally, he answers, "I was going to, but then everyone started complimenting me on my great, white, perfect smile and well..." A sheepish look comes across his face. "My ego got the better of me. Had I told everyone the truth, the compliments would've stopped."  
  
"You are a bad, bad man," Christian snickers. "If everyone found out about this, do you *know* what they'd do?"  
  
A serious expression comes onto Edge's face now. "No, I don't know, nor do I ever want to find out."  
  
The video stops there, and just like after the first video, the audience is in an uproar. The Hurricane should've warned them about the videos being hilarious, not disturbing!  
  
"You see folks, your favorite stars are not what they appear to be. Your Edge here has falsley accepted compliments for his 'perfect smile' even though his teeth are not real! He lied to each and every one of you, and *that* is quite villainous," Hurricane informs, shaking his head in disgust. "Edge, you let your ego take control of you. Tsk, tsk, I say. Everyone *knows* that a super-ego is evil, so therefore now that your's controls you, you can be deemed as super-evil! Don't worry too much though Edge, as you are not the worst of the bunch. I shall be back later!"  
  
Dropping the microphone, Helms exits the ring right afterwards. Citizen Edge *was* his friend, but friend or no friend, he had to right all wrongs. He had to uncover the truth no matter what the consequences. He only hoped everybody would understand that in the end.  
  
Just like before, as the Hurricane nears his locker room, he's stopped by the villain he just uncovered. There is no sign of Edge's usual grin. Just disbelief.  
  
"Oh my God! Helms! I thought we were friends," the Canadian comments, the disbelief on his face now in his voice.  
  
"We *are* friends," Hurricane tells him, "but my duties as a super hero come before my friendships. You should know that."  
  
Edge sighs. "*I* should be an exception to the rule, dude!"  
  
The Hurricane shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Citizen Edge. No can do. There are no exceptions to any of the super hero rules."  
  
"Still, Hurri. Once you saw that footage, you should've realized how humiliated I'd be," Edge whines.  
  
The super hero puts his hands up in protest. "If you haven't lied, I wouldn't have had that footage in the first place. I'm sorry Edge, but what's done is done. Now, I must be off! Good day!" He jumps off with another "whoosh" sound in the direction of his locker room. 


	3. Would've never guessed it, Jericho!

"Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through!"  
  
A feeling of deja vu comes over the audience as the Hurricane makes his way down the ramp for the third time that night.  
  
"As I promised before, the videos will begin to get worse and worse. Edge, I know you are *very* upset with me right now, but you'll be feeling better after this. Lying about your greatest feature is one thing, but.. well, just watch. This vile villain is much, much worse than you!"  
  
However, instead of a video beginning, a highly familiar countdown begins. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..  
  
"Break the walls do-ooown.." Y2J makes his way out from behind the curtain and stops underneath the Titan Tron. Hurricane watches him curiously. He certainly didn't appreciate being interrupted, but moreso, he didn't expect Jericho to interrupt him. As far as the Hurricane knew, Jericho was amongst the good guys..  
  
"Hurricane Helms, I will *not* let you embarrass me as you have Rob Van Dam and Edge. I'll beat you at your own game and unveil my secret. At least I'll be a bigger man than those two chumps," Jericho announces, smacking his gum.  
  
Back in the ring, Helms is completely dumbfounded. What in the world was Citizen Jericho talking about? Was it possibly that he missed one of the evils in the World Wrestling Federation? "Why, Citizen Jericho, I-"  
  
"Shut up, Junior," the Canadian commands. "Don't interrupt me. I hate that. I'm out here now, ready to confess *my* secret to the world and I'll be damned if I'm going to stop now."  
  
Hurricane is taken aback by Jericho's snap, but quiets himself nonetheless. Once Chris takes note of Hurricane's silence, he bends down and places his microphone on the floor. He doesn't get back up though. Instead, he beings undoing the lace on one of his boots. The audience is unusually quiet as they watch the blonde go to work on pulling his boot off. He's successful a minute later and as Jericho stands upright and holds the boot in his hand, they all gasp at what they see. Jericho's bare foot was at least four inches above the ground compared to the other one. What in the...?  
  
"Yes, it's true. I *do* have lifts in my boots. Five-inch lifts to be exact," he confesses, looking down at the floor in shame. Just about everyone backstage knew he wore lifts, but he had always told them they were barely an inch and already built into his boots, anyway...  
  
"I'm not five feet, eleven inches. I'm barely five feet, six inches," Jericho moans. "I had to wear lifts because I knew no one would ever take me seriously, due to my lack of vertical height. Not only that, but I would be the laughingstock of the backstage area. Most of the chicks on the roster are taller than me. It's sad."  
  
"Don't feel so bad about it, Citizen Jericho. At least you had the bravery to tell the truth. Some people don't even have the dignity to do that. I must tell you, however, that I did not know of your little lie. I always thought you were amongst the good fellows," Hurricane admits, a solemn smile on his face.  
  
Jericho's eyes go wide and his cheeks begin to turn scarlet. "What? You- you didn't know? You mean, I-I just told everyone that for fear of it being uncovered by you and you didn't even *know*?" Chris is in total disbelief. Not to mention embarrassment.  
  
"I had no clue. I'm proud of you though, Y2J. I'm very proud of you."  
  
"I don't want your pride, damn it!" Chris stomps his foot in anger. "The only thing I want is to be able to go back in time and undue what just happened. Oh God, I can hear them all laughing now," he says, utter horror on his face. There was laughter all right, but for now, it was coming from the audience. The expression on Jericho's face, not to mention his foot dangling in the air, was a most hilarious sight indeed. "I have to go.. I've gotta get out of here!" Jericho hobbles backstage and most likely, towards his locker room.  
  
"You did the right thing Chris," Helms calls after him. He then shakes his head. "Well, that was a surprise, but it definitely wasn't the surprise I was going to share. Due to this, uh, incident, I'm going to have to postone my next video until later tonight. I'll be back ladies and gentlemen." As he did just a little bit earlier, Hurricane places his mic on the mat and exits the ring. He wondered what else had slipped out from under his nose.. Whatever it was, he would have to investigate it at a later date, for tonight, his schedule was already filled with uncovering super villains. 


	4. Wow, 'Taker, didn't know about that...

"Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through!"  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Helms comes out. Again. As he approaches the ring, he silently hopes that no one else would interrupt him. Even if they had something to confess. He was genuinely surprised at Jericho's confession, but deep, deep down he knew that the Canadian was hiding something. Call it super hero instinct.  
  
"Citizens of North Carolina, I come back out here again to reveal yet another dastardly villain. While everyone knows that he is a 'bad ass' not everyone knows of his secret talent. No, it's not the way he gives a body- trembling powerbomb - that's just a facade for the *real* Undertaker. I have met many a men who live in fear of this gentleman and its not at all right. No one should ever have to live in fear, so that is why I bring this footage to you. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - the American Bad Ass as you've never seen him before!"  
  
As the previous two times before, a short little black and white countdown begins at five and reaches zero, then the video really begins. Instead of Undertaker being show in his locker room, he's in a club. The loud, inane chatter and the clink of glasses together are a dead giveaway as to where he is. It doesn't seem to be any normal club however, as there's a giant stage in the middle of it and behind the stage is a giant screen.  
  
"What a girl wants, what a girl needs, whatever makes me happy and sets me free..." A woman, who looked to be in her early thirties is on stage with a microphone in hand. The screen behind her showed a video and words were scrolling along across the bottom.... it was a karaoke club!  
  
A few moments later, the woman steps down to a thunderous applause. Her fellow peers in the audience obviously thought she had done a marvelous job. A man steps jogs onto the stage next, clapping as well.  
  
"Very, very good job, Samantha! The best I heard all night. Next up, we've got a male participant and he'll be singing, strangely enough, Britney Spears' 'I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman'! I present to you, the man who calls himself.. the Undertaker!" The man applauds again as 'Taker makes his way onstage. He had his usual biker attire on - bandana, "Deadman, Inc." t-shirt, leather pants. A few people in the audience clap as he grabs the microphone. Most are in too much shock at such a large, threatening-looking man singing such a, well.. girly song...  
  
Ignoring the awkward silence, the Dead Man grabs the microphone and without hesitating, begins singing in a little more than out-of-tune voice....  
  
"I used to think  
  
I had the answers to everything.  
  
Mmm, but now I know  
  
that life doesn't always go my way.  
  
Yeah, feels like I'm caught in the middle.  
  
That's when I realize..."  
  
He takes a deep breath before belting out the chorus.  
  
"I'm not a girl.  
  
Not yet a woman.  
  
All I need is time.  
  
A moment that is mine.  
  
While I'm in between..  
  
I'm not a girl."  
  
He goes on to sing the chorus a second time, but by now, the audience has had it. A parade of french fries, empty ketchup bottles, and bread fall onto the stage around his feet. The ones who didn't throw anything, just boo and jeer. The man on the stage, "the Undertaker" was downright awful! His voice was too deep, his accent was too thick, for him to sing a Britney Spears song. To sing any song, actually! He couldn't carry a tune in a wheelbarrow, the majority thought..  
  
"Get off the stage, you loser!" Someone from the crowd shouts. A plastic cup, half-filled with a drink immediately follows. The cup bounces off of 'Taker's head and the liquid spills all over him. Undertaker's immediate reaction is to scowl, but as another cup hits him, it disappears. Instead, his lips become pouty and his eyes watery.  
  
"Y'all are so mean! My lifelong dream has been to sing and once I finally get the courage to do so, I'm booed," he wails, gripping the microphone. "What is wrong with you people?"  
  
"There's nothing wrong with us! There's something wrong with you though. You are obviously delusional about your singing 'skills'! Hell, a cat caught in a garbage disposal would sound better than you!"  
  
The Dead Man has heard about all that he can handle. With tears running down his face, he throws the microphone to the floor and runs offstage, sobbing. That's when the video cuts off.  
  
"So you see folks, the 'American Bad Ass' isn't all that bad, afterall. He's just a tough cookie. A tough shell. Hard on the exterior, soft on the interior. Everyone in the back who lives in fear of 'Taker, I say this to you: fear no more, for he is just like everyone one of us. He's no tougher than you or you-" Hurricane points at several audience members. "He's just a regular guy who just looks extremely tough. Before I go, I must apologize to you, Undertaker, for showing this to everyone. I had to though, for it is my duty. To protect the innocent citizens from the faces of evil.. Lying, deceitful, evil as you are! See you soon, everyone!" Tossing the microphone over his shoulder, Helms leaps out of the ring and runs up the ramp. He had one final video to show, which would most likely be the most disturbing of all...  
  
(Disclaimer: Hehe, I had to put it at the end. I didn't wanna spoil the surprise for y'all! ;) I do not own the lyrics to "What A Girl Wants".. Christina Aguilera does. Also, I do not own the lyrics to "Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman" for Britney Spears does. Just had to make that clear, y'know.. O =) 


	5. Night on the town...

(Disclaimer: The line "Thru howling winds and pouring rain, all evil shall fear The Hurricane!" is property of Shane Helms. He came up with it, I do believe, or someone else in the WWF. Regardless of who's it is, its theirs. Not mine. No one sue me.. please! =-O)  
  
  
  
"Stand back! There's a hurricane coming through!"  
  
Within the last twenty-five minutes of Raw, before the main event, the Hurricane comes out for the last time. Well, for that night, at least. While he knew that it would be much harder than usual for him to uncover the villain's secrets after showing these videos, he'd still do it somehow. As a super hero, he refused to let any obstacle - big or small- stand in his path of success and undoing the wrongs in the WWF.  
  
"Before I show you this next video, please be advised that it's content is highly disturbing. Now, some of you may or may not believe me, but please, heed my warning. It's also best advised that small children and babies not be subjected to the viewing of this tape, for they might be scarred. Not just by the content, but by the pure evil of these persons lies and actions." Helms pauses thoughtfully for a minute, pacing back and forth. The lies of these upcoming individuals were quite extravagant indeed. Should he go ahead and show the clip? After another moment of debating with himself, he decides to go ahead. He's come this far, anyway...  
  
"Sorry about the delay, folks. Without any further ado-" the super hero motions towards the Titan Tron for the final time, "the fourth and final video. Remember Rhyno, Lance.. it's nothing personal."  
  
And for the fourth and final time that night, the all-too-familiar black and white countdown from five begins and ends at zero almost immediately it seems.  
  
The video this time is outside. The sky is dark and the stars are shining, but barely. That's because all of the lights coming from the nearby building are decreasing the stars' brightness. The video pans over to the nearest corner- a dankly lit area, but enough light to see a couple of people standing there. The video gets closer to the two and shows two women dressed in expensive-looking dresses. Both were around the same height - 5'10" or so- but one was a little heavier than the other. Seeing the smoke floating in the by the lights around them, it was obvious they were smoking.  
  
"Can you *believe* the audacity of that guy back there?" The skinnier one asks, in a odd, high-pitched voice. "I mean, he was trying to put his hands all over me! As if!"  
  
"Don't worry about it," the heavier one says. Their voice is a strange tone as well. "If we see him when we go back, I'll kick his ass from one corner to the other."  
  
"Aww, thanks. I appreciate it, I really do," the skinny one comments. They pause for a minute, taking a drag from their cigarette before continuing. "You know, I wouldn't mind dragging it up so much if it wasn't for all these perverts out here. They think, 'Oh wow! A chick wearing revealing clothing.. let's touch!' and go crazy. If I wasn't married, I'd take them back to a room one day and show them what kind of chick I *really* am." Just then, the skinny one puts their hand up to their hair and pulls. The hair comes right off.. it was only a wig!  
  
"I mean, seriously. Can't I do anything I love without be pestered about it? I love wrestling and all, but sometimes there are fans who don't have morals and.. I just don't want to go there. They think just because I play a bad, serious guy on tv, I'm like that in real life." The camera focuses in more to reveal the person standing in the sequined, teal dress is in fact Lance Storm!  
  
The audience in attendance is obviously in shock, as no one is exactly laughing. A few people gasped, but the majority were just watching, jaws dropped. If Lance Storm was into dragging, then just who could the other one be?  
  
"I know exactly what you mean," the other one says. They, too, then take off their wig to reveal themselves to be.. Rhyno!  
  
"It's not just the fans, either," he says softly. Not at all like the usual gruff voice he's always used on television. "It's some of the guys backstage, too. They think that just because I'm a big, tough guy, I don't have a sensitive side. Well, it just so happens that I do and I let it out by dragging. Of course, they wouldn't understand that..."  
  
"Just don't worry about it, huh?" Lance puts a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder, as he could tell he was getting upset. "How about we just go back for another drink then call it a night?"  
  
Rhyno stands there thoughtfully for a moment. "Sure," he agrees after a minute, a smile beginning to show on his face. He flicks his cigarette to the side and then bends down and proceeds to put on a pair of red, spiked shoes that matched his dress.  
  
Lance does the same, but with a pair of teal spiked shoes. He then puts out his cigarette under one of his heels and the two begin walking away. As they walk, they sway their bodies the way normal women do - their hips moving slightly, taking feminine steps. Once they're out of sight, the video stops.  
  
By now, the audience is laughing. They had obviously gotten over their shock from before. Hurricane, meanwhile, is gripping the microphone in his hand. He figured that the audience's laughter was only to hide their sorrow of being lied to. Everyone had their own to express their sorrow, anyway.. These people just liked to laugh.  
  
"I'm so sorry you all had to see that," he apologizes, frowning. "It just had to be done though. Lance, Rhyno, hopefully for you two, everyone won't be indifferent towards you. Sure, they might be a bit miffed at the fact you lied, but any and all treatment you get towards you for lying, you deserve. Lying will get you no where and no one will ever get away with lying as long as the Hurricane is around!" The audience cheers loudly at this, which is no surprise to the Hurricane. After all, he figured the people appreciated his help in uncovering the terrible lies which were bestowed upon them.  
  
"I shall be back, ladies and gentlemen, but not tonight. After I have gathered more evidence of vile villains in the World Wrestling Federation's backyard, you will be notified. Until then, keep in mind - thru howling winds and pouring rain, all evil shall fear The Hurricane!" He then drops the microphone onto the mat for the last time and exits the ring to thousands of fans standing on their feet and applauding. Each and everyone of them couldn't wait until the Hurricane returned. The same couldn't be said for his fellow wrestlers backstage, but that was something they would just have to deal with until they learned to be truthful and honest. Or unless, of course, they decided to do something about Helms once and for all...  
  
(The End.) 


End file.
